I have a brother named Kevin. This is his life in a nutshell, the poor bastard.
Kevin is the oldest of all the Cook children, meaning he had to sit and watch for ten years while his 5 sisters were born. From the start, all Kevin wanted was a little brother, but as fate would have it, every small infant that popped out of mom was indeed female. He would beg our parents to try again until a little male counterpart was conceived, but all his wishing was in vain. Kev was a (reluctant) man amongst women from the start.
Although he didn't have a little brother, Kevin had me. He and I were inseparable in the early years. I recall following him everywhere: catching lizards, venturing to the "nature place", and taking off my shirt at age six whenever we were outside because "Kevin got to do it". Our bond only got stronger when we formed an alliance against the next kid in line, Kelsey. We would torture the poor girl and tell her to "TOUGHEN UP!" whenever she cried. We take sole responsibility for transforming Kelsey from the sweet, precious child she was into ...what she is today. My apologies, Kels.
Kevin was forced to attend his sisters' 4-hour long dance recitals for 11 years straight, was hauled to our countless diving meets, and, thanks to Laura, was a child model. I still laugh when I think about that. And you wonder where the homophobia originated, Mom? Kevin was also coerced into joining the diving team when he was 11-years-old because his grades were bad. I can still see little Kevy in his dolphin Speedo nailing that front one and a half. Needless to say he got his grades up faster than Tiger Woods banged the Waffle House assistant manager.
It's safe to say that my brother knows more information about women than any self-respecting male would ever want to know, considering his sisters' zero filtering policy. If he hears the word tampon one more time, he'll probably castrate himself.
It doesn't surprise me then that Kevin basically wants nothing to do with girls. We have scarred him for life, and it's way past the point of no return. He doesn't put up with the crap girls dish out or the dumb games they play, which I respect. So, naturally, girls flock to him (we're a strange species), and he could care less. He had this to say about us on a Facebook note:
"I am somewhat crazy about my family. I love and respect them all. I have been known to overreact to comments made about them. I don't really care what anyone says about me, as long as it is to my face, but if you disrespect my family, I will go apeshit on your ass. A warning to anyone who may have thought about dating my sisters: you break their heart, I break your face."
Despite being surrounded by FIVE younger sisters and, let's face it, a clinically-insane mother, Kevin turned out all right. Yayyy! He's smart, opinionated, funny, and 100% politically incorrect. And maybe a little racist. But hey, you can't win em all. Love you bro.
