Kylie.

So this brings us to Kylie, the quintessential Middle Child.

I'm not going to sugar coat this... For the first 10 years of her life, everyone thought Kylie was a boy. Maybe it was the God-awful middled-aged lesbian haircut that Kylie rocked for a decade or the fact that her voice was like a raspy Darth Vader that caused such mass gender confusion. "What would you like to eat, son?" the waiter would ask. "Nice to meet you, Kyle!" said (whoever). Little Kylie didn't seem to mind, though. She continued to play 'kick the can' (shirtless, of course), climb trees in her underwear, and swim in puddles like it was nobody's business.

I don't know what my mother was thinking, but she put Kylie, the world's most tragically ungraceful child, in her two other daughters' hobbies: ballet and diving. Now, you'd think the fact that Kylie spilled her drink all over the dinner table literally EVERY NIGHT would tip our parents off that maybe this girl isn't the most coordinated of children. Well, despite the warning, Kylie was placed in dance lessons and was a diver for 8 years... Let's just give thanks and praise to Jesus of Nazareth for bringing soccer into her life, because I don't think anyone could take another dance recital starring Kylie "Oh My God She Is So SO Bad At Moving Her Body Maybe She's Slightly Retarded" Cook.

Being the middle child, Kylie was definitely blamed for everything. Who left the door open? Kylie. Who broke the lamp? Kylie. Who made a mess in the living room? Kylie. Who shot JFK? Kylie. The poor child was a scapegoat everyday of her life, and I'm pretty sure 90% of the time she was innocent. For example, one time my mom baked a cherry pie (AKA stuck a pre-made frozen one into the oven for 30 minutes) and told everyone to wait in the living room while it cooled. I wasn't havin' that. I snuck into the kitchen every two minutes to dip my fingers in that warm cherry goodness and ended up accidentally eating 1/3rd of the pie. Not wanting to take the blame on this one, I coerced Kylie to come in the kitchen and try a morsel of crust. When my mom returned to find the dessert she had slaved over was dilapidated compliments of my fingers, she was livid. In a fit of rage and anger, mommy dearest did the unthinkable... she stuck sweet, innocent little Kylie's face in the pie. No, I am not kidding you. Yes, Kylie was given a pie facial. For two reasons: 1.) I was a horrible sister and b) because my mother is a straight up psycho. Welcome to the Cook Household.

Kylie has since forgiven me for the pie incident of '98, and we're now not only close sisters but best friends. Kylie is the sweetest, funniest, most carefree and coolest girl on the planet. She is a great and loyal friend to everyone and has the biggest heart. Not to mention she's gorgeous and a certified badass soccer player at University of Houston. Honestly, I can't believe you turned out normal after all the crap Kelsey and I put you through. You're a trooper.
I LOVE YOU KY KY!!!!!